Bad, Bad, Blogger....

I am so not able to post all the time. Well, truthfully, I have the time but sometimes I wonder if anyone will really care what I have to say :)

Lots has been brewing over the last two months since I've written. We've worked at rallying around my mom after my father's death. I worry about her and she spent a good two months really trying to figure out how to be alone but this past week things have clicked for her and she is back to making jewelry to use up some of her free time. I'm hoping with a new focus she'll do better than she has been. We have a vendor event on Saturday so that gives us something to work towards. Her with her jewelry and me to sew.

June 15th, 2012 marked the one year anniversary of my son's death. The weeks leading up to it were full of emotion and my mom took me on an overnight shopping trip on the day of. We spent the day laughing and joking around and a lot of time reminiscing about my Boo. I thought after the anniversary passed I would find myself able to move forward again but the last few weeks have really been hard. I miss him so much and the tears flow freely almost every day. I'll get there I know but some days I really wonder. This is the poem I wrote for the anniversary:

Kyle B. Lenhardt - 10/22/95 - 6/15/11

It's been one year that you've been gone,

one year of many tears.

Your big brown eyes and contagious laughter

we've missed every single day.

The world went on as we stood still,

watching full of wonder.

It took some time to understand

that there would be no answers.

One day I was your mother, taking care of you

then suddenly, there I stood,

I was without a clue.

My heart aches at the things that I will miss

that others take for granted.

What I wouldn't give, for one more day with you.

I'd hold you close, I'd kiss your cheek

and never let you go.

I know that you are out there,

watching over me.

A hand upon my shoulder,

I wish that I could feel.

For now I hold your memory close

I talk, I laugh, I cry.

My love still grows for you each day

as if you were still here.

I need to get sewing for Saturday so I will leave you with my dinner for this evening. We loved this recipe so much the first time we had it and I made it exactly as she has posted. It looks not so appetizing but it is DELISH! So stop on over at The Cutting Edge of Ordinary and try her Cowboy Casserole. 

Belated News

I've been MIA this time due to my step-father's passing. April 5th, 2012 he decided it was time to go. He fought a long hard fight and kept his sense of humor and love for us all until the end. With the help of our local Hospice we were able to keep him at home, surrounded by his loved ones until the very end. I am proud of the work we did together to make that happen and do not regret a day of it. He's with  my son now. Neither of them is struggling to breath and I just know they are doing all the things they never got to do here and they are happy. I just know it. This past year has shown us great loss, much love and a family strength I don't think we knew we had. As we move forward, I hope we don't lose sight of those things.

Take care of my boy, "Poppy"

New Year and Hopefully New Beginnings, Finally

It's been about a month and a half since I last posted. So much has gone on and I guess I needed to get through these first holidays without my son. Since my last post we have bought a new house and moved. Today we are finishing up at the old house, getting it cleaned and last bits moved out so that we can get it rented. I still have lots to unpack in the new house but once the old is sorted we can get working on the new. In our new house I have an entire sewing/crafting room all to myself and that is going to be where I start organizing. The rest of the house is livable and I need a retreat. Also, I have so many ideas I've pinned on Pinterest and saved to my bookmarks from other blogs I read that I want to try! If you haven't been to Pinterest it is a must see. A fountain of ideas for everything you can think of!

My mornings Monday-Friday are spent helping take care of my Step-Dad. He is in end stage COPD and bed bound with Hospice care. My Mom and sister both work and I stay until my sister gets home from her job that is allowing her to work only half days right now.

My goal for 2012 is to move forward with my life without Kyle, to learn to heal, to laugh, to love without one of my own to take care of. I think the way I will do this is through my sewing and crafting. Who knows, maybe I can turn it into a business :) Blogging about these adventures is going to be a part of all that and I am going to make a huge effort to do more of it!

P.S. I found Silhouette vinyl at Hobby Lobby!!! I didn't check to see if they had other products in the Silhouette line but I will look next time I go and have more time. I'm really excited about this to not have to pay shipping. I want to say it was a 9"x10' roll for $7.99 and to use coupons???? WOOT!

Happy 16th Birthday Kyle

Sixteen years ago today, you came into this world

Without a breath, without a cry

Who knew you’d leave the same

I held your hand, I watched you grow

Dried your tears and held you near

You’d sleep with me when you were scared

Your fears safely held at bay

Those big brown eyes, that boyish smile

Captured your Momma’s heart

Your dreams were big, your goals thought out

You’d only just begun

Today was supposed to be, your favorite birthday of all

A car from Dad, silly gifts from mom and money from your Grandma

Peanut butter frosted brownies that only someone who loves you can make

Instead….

Balloons at the cemetery, words of love and sadness

A family gathers to remember a boy just becoming a man

Taken too soon, loved SO much

Forgotten never

Sew Little Time

My days are full....... just plain full.

We are definitely buying the new house so I have been working tirelessly to go through everything we have in this huge house and down sizing immensely. I'm glad our closing isn't until November 23rd because I'm going to need all the time I can get. I've had to go through a lot of Kyle's things, deciding what to keep. Sometimes it's the silliest things that I can't part with but I just go with what my heart tells me. I still haven't touched his room but that will come in time.

While I'm trying to pack I am also sewing. Our first craft fair is October 29th and I am not ready in the least. I have a lot of things cut out and pinned together I just need to make a schedule for myself I think of what I'm doing when to make time for everything.

My Sarcoidosis is back out of remission. Only 3 months was all it could muster to stay hidden. I'm back on 40mg of Prednisone a day to keep it at bay until I can start my new treatment with Remicade. I'm battling a nasty chest cold right now which I may have to break down and go to the doctor for something. I'm not sick anywhere else, no stuffy nose or head but my cough is nasty and my chest rattling. At least the Prednisone keeps the pain from the Psioratic Arthritis at bay as well. Gotta love two auto immune diseases that can be calmed down with the same thing.

Wow, what a downer post!!!! I promise for joy and happiness next time :)

Non Sewing Craft!

Normally I am not creative nor do I even attempt things but today I had a mission.

I wanted to try using spray paint. I admit, I am 40 years old and have never used spray paint. I've read lots of blogs and collected things at the Goodwill and yard sales to use it on but have never really done it. Well, today is the day! I foolishly didn't take before photos but the wire basket and the other pieces were all just plain white and bleh looking. The basket also had a little bit of rust. This is what I did with them!

I think they turned out quite cute if I do say so myself!

The last project I did today was for my son's resting place. I decided I wanted Kyle to have something for Halloween so he'd know I was thinking of him. I used two butternut squash and some white spray paint to make them look like ghosts. I should have used something different but I really had no idea and used a permanent marker for the ghost face. Next time I'll do better :) I'm still happy with them as my first attempt and I took them to the cemetery today with his new mums. This was also my first attempt with the spray paint so I had a lot to learn about dripping and such.

I'm excited to try some new things later on. The basket I got for $1.00 and the flowers and bee I got for $0.75 in a baggie. Now they look brand new!

Winds of Change

I know that I have been silent for some time. My life has been going through a lot of change but one of the biggest and most unexpected was the loss of my 15 year old son. On June 15th, at 2am in the morning, he suffered an acute asthma attack in his sleep which led to respitory arrest which ended with cardiac arrest. Try as they may, the paramedics and doctors were unable to bring him back. The words that no mother should ever hear rocked my world. We had such a special bond and I never knew that I could hurt this much. He had so much potential and was taking all honours classes next year as he said he needed to buckle down and get serious about college. He cared about so many and hated when people hurt. And funny..... he was SO funny. I've never met anyone so quick witted that could hurl comebacks that made you laugh til you cried. I visit him every day to make sure nothing has happened to him. I suppose it's like checking in on him once he fell asleep. No matter how old he got I still needed to make sure he was ok. Now it's time to find a purpose in life since my life was being his mother. I have an older daughter who is 19 but she has always been a free spirit and yes, she needs me but not in the same way. So I sit here missing his big brown eyes, his boyish smile, the way he'd come down the stairs and put his hand in mine never saying a word just hold my hand, his amazing sense of humor and the way he loved me.

As I have grieved, two of the notices for this year's craft fairs have come in the mail. If anything they will maybe jump start my sewing again and give me something to keep my mind off things. I haven't done any sewing in so long I probably will have to relearn! I did however order a walking foot and it came in the mail today. I'm hoping it helps me with my Minky sewing. It's been giving me such hassle the last few times I've tried. I made a baby shower gift for one of my best friends but I was upset how it turned out. Maybe I'll make another one if the walking foot makes a big difference.

I leave you with a photo of my handsome son who was taken too soon. I love you Boo.